When people ask how you are doing, there are only three answers you feel safe giving.
Fine.
Good.
Great.

Anything else feels like a risk.

This is not just about small talk. It is about survival. Many men have been taught, in subtle and loud ways, that their emotions are only acceptable when they are brief, bottled, and easy to handle. Say too much and you are weak. Show pain and you are a burden. Speak honestly and you are told you are complaining.

So you learn to lie with a smile. You say “I’m good” even when something inside feels off. You say “fine” even when you are carrying pressure that no one sees. And you say “great” when you are anything but.

Over time, this becomes the script. You stop even considering the truth. You no longer ask yourself what you really feel. You just perform.

How This Silence Feeds Toxic Relationships

This pattern does more than isolate you. It opens the door for mistreatment. When you convince yourself that you are not supposed to speak up, you begin to tolerate people who benefit from your silence. You stay in friendships where your pain is dismissed. You stay in relationships where your emotions are ignored. You let people cross boundaries because you believe standing up for yourself is selfish.

You begin to think you are supposed to be the one who endures. That a real man does not get emotional. That discomfort is just the cost of being strong.

This is how gaslighting takes hold. Not always in dramatic ways. Sometimes it is quiet. You bring something up and are told you are overreacting. You try to explain how you feel and are told to get over it. You start to question whether your emotions are even valid at all.

When this happens often enough, you stop talking. Then you stop feeling. Then you start breaking.

Why Men Stay Quiet

It is not weakness that keeps most men silent. It is conditioning. We are raised in a culture that rewards toughness and punishes emotional honesty. From an early age, we are told to man up. To not cry. To take it on the chin. And eventually, many of us internalize the idea that our emotions are not welcome.

But here is the truth: silence does not make you strong. It makes you numb. And numbness is not strength. It is a slow erasure of your self-respect.

Reclaiming Your Voice

The first step in breaking this pattern is recognizing that honesty is not weakness. Saying “I’m struggling” takes more courage than pretending everything is fine. Saying “I am not okay with how you treat me” is not whining. It is a boundary. And boundaries are not barriers. They are self-respect in action.

You are allowed to speak when something hurts. You are allowed to walk away from people who refuse to see you. You are allowed to tell the truth about how you feel, even if it makes others uncomfortable.

What Strength Really Looks Like

Real strength is not silence. Real strength is knowing yourself well enough to say what needs to be said. It is having the courage to leave what no longer serves you. It is refusing to shrink just to keep others comfortable.

So the next time someone asks how you are doing, pause before you default to “fine.” Ask yourself what is true. And if that truth is hard, say it anyway. Even if you say it only to yourself. That is where healing begins. That is where you begin.

Because you were not made to carry everything alone.
You were made to live with dignity, not silence.